Why am I crying? Oh yeah, I'm pregnant.

The most present effects of pregnancy that I’m feeling right now, the day before I begin my 16^th week (I’m suddenly feeling like I need to stop referring to this pregnancy as ‘mine’ and more as ‘ours’) are fatigue and emotion. Very strong emotion, especially as I read through some of my favorite blogs written by some magnificent ladies who happen to have already experienced the miracle of bringing new life into this world. I just nearly broke down reading Aspiring Kennedy’s post about giving birth to her twin girls and only bringing one home.

The other day, I read one of Kelle Hampton’s posts about Down syndrome and nearly lost it then too. It’s like I can feel my heart bursting open with all of this new found love and feelings of wanting to nurture and take care and… it’s overwhelming. Not to mention I'm spending WAY too much time on Baby Center's birth boards, reading too many sad stories about loss and tough family situations.

I’ve always been empathetic, and sometimes it’s gotten the very best of me. Anytime I would observe someone struggling or read a heart wrenching story about someone overcoming challenges my throat would tighten and I would feel, I don’t know, heavy. The realization that I am lucky—blessed even—to be alive and healthy in a world where so many others don’t get to say the same… yes, overwhelming is how I would describe it. I never did particularly well with being overwhelmed by, well, anything.

I became accustomed to feeling helpless. I lived with two sick parents for most of my life. I couldn't do anything to help them. I could be physically present and say all kinds of encouraging things, but none of that would stop my dad's disease from ultimately claiming his life or my mom's depression from dragging her down just when she starts feeling like she's on the up. 

The day I saw the word “Pregnant” pop up on that test, I was overcome. I remember the tears streaming down my face and me saying “thank you” over and over again. I don’t know who I was thanking. The universe, I suppose, for giving me—us—this opportunity. I knew instantly that helpless is no longer an emotion that I could associate with. This little life that I'm bringing into this world will be helpless, at least in the beginning, and it's 100% up to me, to us, to do everything in our power to give as much love and support as possible no matter what. I can't sit out on this one just because the world overwhelms me a little now and then.

I lost sight of it momentarily during those first several weeks. My hormones were going haywire and I started recognizing ancient feelings of depression and anxiety that really got me worked up. These feelings that I really thought I had buried long ago suddenly welled up to the surface and I had a moment where I genuinely freaked out at the reality that was playing out before me. Being sick and tired on top of it all, both literally and figuratively, just exasperated those feelings.

But here I am with a noticeable bump and I can say I’m now closer to the halfway point, and my perspective is coming back into focus. I am growing a tiny human inside of my body, one that is half me and half him and a slew of other things that make up who we are. And I am so, so looking forward to getting to know this human, learning and watching in amazement at all of the things they will bring into our lives. This thought alone makes my eyes fill up as I realize how ready I am to be a mother. I have moments where I realize there’s still so many things that we have to do to prepare, so much to learn, so many items that need to be acquired. But as far as love goes? I’m ready to give it all and more.

By the way, Evan and I have made a decision regarding the sex of the baby. As in, we’re not going to find out. We both agreed after a long discussion that it will add to that special moment, and hopefully motivate me even more to follow through with a completely natural birth, to be able to announce then and there whether it’s a boy or a girl. So friends, family, and other curious folks can just hold onto their pants cuz we ain’t spillin’ the beans.

Is that a baby in there or did you just eat a really big lunch?

The Night a Miracle Happened

Imagine my excitement right now: I bartend during a very busy, somewhat chaotic 7-hour shift and feel the hollowness in my stomach growing, the ache in my head becoming stronger, and the aversion to every smell wafting out of the kitchen making my gag reflex act up. I sigh, envisioning myself where I’ve already been at the end of a night like this… finally home, hunched over the toilet, emptying my stomach of all of the bland and far-from-nutritious grub I managed to get down throughout the afternoon. Then reminding myself to grin and bear it because there’s a miracle happening inside my uterus right now and this is just a temporary sacrifice.

This is how I like to imagine myself when I'm feeling vulnerable. Rainbows make everything better.

I knew I was going to swing by the Taco Bell on the corner the second I peeled out of the parking lot. Those chicken gorditas were calling my name and I obliged. As I sat down at the kitchen table to dig in, I wondered just how long I’d be able to go before it would all come back up. I started to not even enjoy the taste of the delicious Mountain Dew I treated myself to.

But then something happened. I managed to finish the second gordita I was convinced I would need considering how many hours I had gone without ingesting a single thing. Another swig of Mountain Dew. It tasted better. I stood up and realized my stomach was full, and my head ceased to ache. And I actually felt more… alive. I gave myself extra points for being able to swallow the horse pill of a prenatal vitamin without gagging. A BLOODY MIRACLE INDEED!

Ok, I realize that this blog went from being about my move to Ohio to refinishing furniture and living in a rented home to cooking and now I'm talking about purging rainbows and I've completely lost focus. I blame the hormones. Be prepared for more randomness as the months go on. I don't know if that counts as a warning or a guarantee. Probably both.

and a HAPPY new year

There have been many, many moments in the past few weeks that I've wanted to update this blog. But alas, I decided to log my thoughts and wait...

It goes without saying that the holidays are a very busy time, and that certainly held true in our household. For one, we received some positive and exciting news right around the time that I posted last. News that has officially changed the course of all of our lives (for the better). What could it be? I'll give you a hint...

Two days later was Ev's 25th birthday, and I wanted to surprise him with a sweet little announcement. I wasn't going to be popping out of any cakes, so this had to suffice...

But it turns out hubby's intuition is much stronger than I gave him credit for and he suspected something the night before when he asked me point blank if I was pregnant. I couldn't contain my smile.

Then as we prepared for Christmastime festivities, including the arrival of Ev's grandparents and my mom and grandma, I wanted to come up with a creative way to break the news. What better time than Christmas to announce the pending addition of a new family member? I set to work...

Gotta love some good ol' arts and crafts time. I went to Michael's and picked up the plaster ornaments for less than $.50 a piece, as well as the wooden stamps and ink pad. And since Michael's is always having sales, everything came to under $20. Seeing the reaction on grandma and great grandma-to-be's faces after a long day of traveling? Priceless.

Christmas came and went, and after a slight delay due to our first winter storm, we saw the relatives off and slowly started to regain some normalcy. No more gift buying, cooking and preparing, or running around. The daily hustle calms down, the outside grows colder, darker... it's time to relax and renew.

On New Year's Eve morning another amazing thing happened. I received confirmation that I do, indeed, have another little heart beating inside me...

Yes, that little pixelated blip is our nugget. And that extra little something on the right side? A heart. With a beat. I'm in love. And in August this new momma's gonna get one hell of a 25th birthday present. I can't wait.

Here's to an amazing 2013!

Framing Maps: Part 1

I have a thing for maps, especially old maps. When I was a kid, my grandparents bought an atlas for us kids to use, and I was hooked.

source

I knew the capitals of all 50 states by the time I was 8 and forced all of my family members to quiz me before dinner.

Now than I'm an adult working on sharpening my eye for interior design, I really love the look of framed maps. Case in point:

source

source

Framed maps are such a great and easy way to display places that are special to you. Naturally I wanted to start with framing a map of good ol' North America, so when Nan and I went to our first estate sale back in October, we scooped up this awesome Rand McNally atlas from the 1960s.

Added bonus: there was a smaller sized leaflet of the continents inside, just begging to be displayed in a pretty frame. Enter this cute little shadow box-type frame that we scored at a local thrift store.

Unfortunately the back looked like this:

I cut the cardboard/paper stuff off with a knife and pulled up the staples holding everything in place. Once I removed the cardboard and the pink flower photo from the inside, I was still left with a pink border. I thought this would be a problem until I placed the map inside. The border actually compliments the pink color in the map!

I'm planning on adding this to the collage I'm slooowwwllyyyy assembling to go above the TV. And we still have a few more maps to frame, so... to be continued...

Tis the Season... for reflection

It's December 1, which makes me scratch my head and wonder where the time has gone. How did we make it to the end of 2012 already? As I drive around I'm seeing more and more houses decked out and lit up and I remember the days of my dad and I making a game out of counting the decorated houses while making our way to grandma's house. And I think about how this time of the year is both and blessing and a curse for many people.

Last year something in my brain clicked and I decided to no longer be a humbug around Christmastime, although I thought that I had every reason to be. Using my past to justify the present is something I became very good at when I didn't want to take responsibility for my emotions/actions.

Although it’s still painful to recall, a week before Christmas 2008 I received the worst news of my life that my dad passed away. This December 17 will mark four years since his death, and it’s still difficult to grasp that it’s already been that long without him. Even though I've managed to really come to terms with his death and make peace with it, nothing changes the fact that losing a loved one at any time of the year hurts deeply and is something I will always have to work through.

Last year I had a change of heart. I wanted to really embrace Christmas like I never had before, or more like I had when I was a kid. I wanted to give gifts to everyone. I wanted to sing Christmas songs and watch movies and decorate and be happy and joyful. After all, I was engaged to the love of my life and we were both enjoying living with a special member of the family. Plus we were having one of the warmest winters on record so I had no reason to complain about the weather.

We headed up to Maine to spend Christmas Day with my mom’s side of the family. It didn't take long for alcohol and the absence of an uncle to stir up some hostile feelings which erupted in a shouting match while young cousins watched in horror. And I stood in the middle of the room, begging and pleading for everyone to stop and realize the absurdity of all of this. But hurtful words had already been exchanged and morale was low. At that moment I realized I could no longer play peacekeeper. Unfortunately I had to come to terms with the fact that these people don’t see things the way I do. Maybe someday they will, and I truly hope that happens. But I cannot hold out for that moment. I have to create my own reality.

A year later I’m living in a different part of the country with my husband and our tight knit family and we’re excited for the holidays. Thanksgiving was a success and now Christmas is on the horizon. The incident of last December feels like forever ago and I’m so ready to welcome my mom and grandmother here to celebrate with us. They deserve to be a part of a happy and loving family that has no interest in drama and we are welcoming them with open arms.

On that note, everyone deserves to feel welcomed and loved during the holidays and any day of the year for that matter. If the holidays create stress and anxiety for you, then my suggestion is to take a step back, breathe, and reevaluate. I know that sometimes family members can be pills and the mixing of personalities can be a recipe for drama. But love them anyway. Send out love every chance you get; you just may be surprised in the ways in which it comes back to you.