It's December 1, which makes me scratch my head and wonder where the time has gone. How did we make it to the end of 2012 already? As I drive around I'm seeing more and more houses decked out and lit up and I remember the days of my dad and I making a game out of counting the decorated houses while making our way to grandma's house. And I think about how this time of the year is both and blessing and a curse for many people.
Last year something in my brain clicked and I decided to no
longer be a humbug around Christmastime, although I thought that I had every reason
to be. Using my past to justify the present is something I became very good at
when I didn't want to take responsibility for my emotions/actions.
Although it’s still painful to recall, a week before
Christmas 2008 I received the worst news of my life that my dad passed away.
This December 17 will mark four years since his death, and it’s still difficult
to grasp that it’s already been that long without him. Even though I've managed
to really come to terms with his death and make peace with it, nothing changes
the fact that losing a loved one at any time of the year hurts deeply and is something I will always have to work through.
Last year I had a change of heart. I wanted to really
embrace Christmas like I never had before, or more like I had when I was a kid.
I wanted to give gifts to everyone. I wanted to sing Christmas songs and watch
movies and decorate and be happy and joyful. After all, I was engaged to the
love of my life and we were both enjoying living with a special member of the
family. Plus we were having one of the warmest winters on record so I had no
reason to complain about the weather.
We headed up to Maine to spend Christmas Day with my mom’s
side of the family. It didn't take long for alcohol and the absence of an uncle
to stir up some hostile feelings which erupted in a shouting match while young
cousins watched in horror. And I stood in the middle of the room, begging and
pleading for everyone to stop and realize the absurdity of all of this. But
hurtful words had already been exchanged and morale was low. At that moment I
realized I could no longer play peacekeeper. Unfortunately I had to come to terms with the fact that these people don’t see things the way I do.
Maybe someday they will, and I truly hope that happens. But I cannot hold out
for that moment. I have to create my own reality.
A year later I’m living in a different part of the country
with my husband and our tight knit family and we’re excited for the holidays. Thanksgiving
was a success and now Christmas is on the horizon. The incident of last
December feels like forever ago and I’m so ready to welcome my mom and
grandmother here to celebrate with us. They deserve to be a part of a happy and
loving family that has no interest in drama and we are welcoming them with open
arms.
On that note, everyone deserves to feel welcomed and loved during the holidays and any day of the year for that matter. If the holidays create stress and anxiety for you, then my suggestion is to take a step back, breathe, and reevaluate. I know that sometimes family members can be pills and the mixing of personalities can be a recipe for drama. But love them anyway. Send out love every chance you get; you just may be surprised in the ways in which it comes back to you.