Reading old journal entries is like looking through photographs. They offer a glimpse into life at that particular moment, sometimes with more clarity than any picture can.
It’s the eve of 2013, and today has been a great day. Nan accompanied me to my 8am appointment at West Shore and I was allowing myself to remain calm and think positive.
Until Maureen had the ultrasound wand in hand and ultra-concentrated look on her face. I think I held my breath at that point.
“Baby with a heartbeat.”
And I exhaled. A very happy, contented sigh of relief. Nan’s eyes (and mine) welled up as Maureen turned the ultrasound screen towards my line of vision. The little kidney bean sized, pixelated blip on the screen that flashed ever so slightly, indicating an active heartbeat, both amused and comforted me. It was exactly what I needed. It was what we all needed.
Sharing the news of my pregnancy with mom, grandma, and the rest of our family and friends was such a nice experience. I thanked technology for the ability to Face Time with cousins and an aunt in uncle in both Maine and Massachusetts. And even the crazy world of Facebook for allowing us to share our positive news with even more people. The outpouring of support was tremendous.
Today I got that extra little reassurance that this is a blessing, and I’m exactly where I need to be. Evan is too. We all are.
Life is good. Life is great.
Happy New Year!
I like to be woken up by the bright yellow light shining in through my window onto my face. And the birds chirping, letting me know there is indeed life happening outside of these four walls.
I know that my days spent indoors are coming to an end. I also know that all of my brooding alone time is also nearing an end, to make way for more light to shine through. This little girl growing inside of me is that light. Right now I can only imagine the kind of happiness that she will bring into our lives come August. To experience it first hand is only months away.
And I know that soon I will be sitting in the sun, swollen and sweating and much, much larger, and I’ll yearn for the cool, gray days of the past. I’ll probably mourn the times spent alone, coming and going as I please with no need to account for anyone else but myself. But then I’ll look at her face and know that the only time is now and the only truth is love. My new purpose is to live that truth every moment that I have.
The sun is shining in through the windows and the birds are chirping wildly outside. The sounds of nature are so important, this she will know. But so are the sounds of people deep in conversation. We will have lots of conversations, I’m sure. Just wait until she discovers her voice… she may never stop using it. I hope she doesn’t.
So here’s to you, Mr. Craig. You have made my life beautiful just by being in it, and you have already given me so much. I only hope that I can give you as much. Just know that no matter what happens today or tomorrow or a year from now, nothing will ever change the fact that I love you, plain and simple.